The Truth Of What I Feel
by A.Baroness
Summary: AU for "To Tell The Truth": Daphne finds Niles under the piano and they start talking. Will Niles spill his secret? And if he does, how will Daphne react? Birthday fic for Andrea (iloveromance)!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N** : (belated) birthday fic for Andrea (iloveromance); a wonderful person and awesome writer! I'm so sorry it took me so long; life can be so cruel sometimes (and add laziness in the mix and here we go). Anyway, I hope this is still good – despite being late. As for the story: goes completely AU in "To Tell The Truth".

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Eventually they gave up trying to make Niles leave his place from under the piano. Frasier was the first to throw up his hands in the air, yell at his brother and disappear into his room. Martin tried it a few more times. After all this was his son and he could hardly bear to see him this devastated.

"You don't have to go home," he told him, "but you can sleep on the couch. Sleep somewhere comfortable."

"I don't want to sleep." Niles sighed. As soon as he closed his eyes, he was certain, nightmarish visions of Daphne and Donny would haunt him. He wanted to stay right there under the piano. It was the only place left on earth where he felt safe.

"This can't be good for your back, Niles. Not to mention your sanity." Martin tried again.

"I'm fine, dad."

"No, you're not. This isn't normal!" The first times Niles had hidden under the piano when he was just a boy, Hester had assured Martin it was nothing to worry about. By then he had accepted that both his sons were different; Niles, however, seemed like a fragile bird sometimes. It had taken Martin many, many years to accept that about his son. Even nowadays it was sometimes hard to bear. Not because he was embarrassed or annoyed, but because he would always have to worry a little more about his youngest son.

"It's the only place I can… breathe right now, dad. Please." Martin's hip reminded him that he couldn't keep standing there, watching his son. Exhaustion demanded that he went to bed – even if his mind and his heart had other ideas. He picked up a blanket from the couch and put it under the piano.

"At least be warm if you can't be reasonable. Good night, Niles."

"Thank you, dad. Good night." Niles listened to the familiar sound of his father walking away. When he heard his bedroom door close, he took a deep breath. He'd told the truth: this was the only place where he felt like he could breathe. His breath caught up there in the real world where heartbreak and loss loomed. Not down here. Never under a piano. Niles wrapped the blanket around his back and realized once again how restrictive his hiding place was. As a child it had felt as big as a castle. Niles remembered several instances where he had hidden under the piano when he was young. Sometimes Frasier had played his favorite songs and Niles had absorbed every beat, every note. Now it was silent. Frasier had gone to bed a while ago and Niles was all alone out here. The silence, however, felt just as comforting to him now. The sound of a key turning in the door disrupted his thoughts and his sense of safety. He knew it had to be Daphne. How he wished she didn't have to see him like this.

"Dr. Crane? Is that you?" Daphne asked and a moment later her face appeared before his.

"I'm sorry." He mumbled.

"But what are you sorry for, Dr. Crane? None of this is your fault."

"You had to go with Donny because of me. I- I am sorry for that." And he was sorry for so much more, but there was no way to explain it to her.

"It wasn't too bad," she surprised him by sitting down on the ground so they were facing each other. They looked like two school children ready to share a secret.

"Donny is really nice." Niles didn't like the way she pronounced nice. It sounded too much as if she meant it.

"Oh, is he?"

"You picked a fine lawyer, Dr. Crane! You don't need to worry about anything. I explained it all to him. That night at the Snow Ball? I told him how we were putting on a show for these snobbish – I mean your friends."

"That's what you told him."

"Yes, of course. It's the truth."

"Is it?" Niles mumbled.

"Are you all right, Dr. Crane?" Daphne put a hand on his knee. Niles stared at it for a moment and decided it couldn't go on like this. He couldn't spend his whole life under a piano. He was no longer a child. No one else could solve his problems. Heartbreak would find him here just as it would anywhere else. The truth would come out either way. He could either be a man about it or hide from it like the kid he used to be.

"I told Donny that you being in love with me is nothing but a silly idea." Daphne misinterpreted Niles' silence.

"That's just the thing, though, Daphne." If it had to come out anyway, Niles decided, he wanted to be the one to utter the words. He owed her that much.

"What is it, Dr. Crane?"

"I don't- I don't know how to tell you this, but… you see, ever since I first saw you I – well, I guess you could say that I do love you because – "

"Oh, but Dr. Crane I love you, too, you know that! Just like I love your father and your brother. As bothersome as they can be sometimes." Daphne giggled.

"My feelings for you run deeper than that. You see, I have been trying to tell you for a long time how I feel. It was never the right time, or the right place. I never knew how to tell you. I love you, Daphne. But not as a friend. I am _in_ love with you." Once the words rolled off his tongue, Niles realized he was no longer scared. Oh, if only he'd known how easy it was to say all of this to her!

"Dr. Crane, what are you saying?" She pronounced every word dangerously slow as if she were talking to a small child, who had done something wrong. Something bad. Her voice was testament of her disbelief of what he'd just admitted to her.

"Just that. The accusation is true, Daphne. I am in love with you and I have been for a long, long time."

"When we were dancing at the Snow Ball – you weren't acting then?"

"No. It broke my heart when you thought I was, because there I was foolishly thinking you could feel anything but friendship for me." With horror Niles watched how Daphne tried to grapple the situation. He could almost feel how she went through every encounter with him, the memories changing, being painted anew with tainted colors.

"You never said anything. You never… what I've told Donny was actually a lie then and…" She trailed off and got up. Niles feared he had completely destroyed their relationship now; slowly he began to crawl from under the piano, his beautiful hiding place. Now that his greatest secret, his worst fear, was out there, the need to hide seemed to vanish with every passing second. Niles' back protested as he stretched. Daphne was pacing, turned to look at him and the moment he saw the tears in her eyes, his own pain was forgotten.

But Daphne stopped him before he could reach her. Her rejection of his comfort was a blow he felt throughout his whole body.

"I don't understand any of this, Dr. Crane." How he wished she would just call him Niles. Especially now that she knew. She clung to the familiar distance of professionalism like it was an anchor.

"I'm sorry you had to find out like this. I just didn't want you to hear it from anyone else."

"How do you expect me to react to this?" The anger in Daphne's voice surprised Niles. All this time he had come up with so many possibilities of how she could react should he ever find the nerve to tell her about his feelings. Confusion had been among them, anger maybe, too, but not in this intensity. Just like he'd always feared, he was losing her as a friend. And even worse, he didn't know how to stop this spiral. She was slipping away and he was frozen to the spot.

"I-I-I just wanted you to know."

"I can't deal with this right now. Not when Donny-"

"What did Donny do?" Niles didn't mean for it to sound so demanding and he saw Daphne slip further and further away from him.

"He asked me out on a date. I told him I wasn't sure, what with your case and all." There was a 'but' that Niles didn't want to inquire. She wanted to go out with Donny. Once again he was too late. The timing was wrong; each step he'd taken had been a mistake. The need to crawl back under the piano almost overwhelmed him.

"Do you want to – I mean is that something you want? To go out with Donny?" Daphne didn't answer. She crossed her arms in front of her and turned away from Niles.

"I'm asking as a friend, Daphne." Niles said softly.

"I was considering it."

"You were? As in past tense?" She was still turned away from him; he could not see her face and try to read it. Despite everything, Niles felt hope dwell inside him. He wanted to ask her what this meant and whether she was still angry. He felt bubbly with his secret out in the open. There were questions to be answered, but he was scared that any question might drive her into Donny's arms – not his.

"I – no. I meant I was considering it earlier when he asked me. I'm still considering it."

"Oh." And just like that his hope shattered. Like a piece of expensive glass against an average, thick rock.

"What did you expect me to do, Dr. Crane? Confess my undying love for you? Kiss you and live happily ever after?" He wanted to say 'yes'. Because that was exactly what he'd always hoped; he'd dreamed about her and all of this. This, however, had to be a nightmare.

"I need time to think, Dr. Crane."

"Why don't you call me Niles?" He blurted and regretted it the moment that the words were out.

"I need time," she repeated with more emphasis, "alone." Niles nodded, defeated. He gave her a sad smile and despite his need to crawl back under the piano, he left and gently closed the door behind him.

 **Tbc**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N:** Thanks for all the lovely reviews! I got a bit carried away in this chapter *ahem* Sorry for that.

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Time stretched like a bad piece of gum. Niles had always hated gum. He stared at the phone expecting his brother to call and yell at him. Or his father to accuse him of driving Daphne away. Nothing happened. The phone sat there still as a statue mocking his pain.

"Dr. Crane?" It was his patient who reminded him that time had indeed not stopped.

"I'm sorry. So you're saying you and your wife continue you to fight over the TV program?" Niles hoped they were still talking about that. Not that he ever mocked his patients' problems, but complaining about your spouse's movie choices seemed like a nice problem to have. He could do without the couple's tendency to throw plates and other inanimate objects at each other, though.

As Niles struggled to listen, his mind drifted to Daphne. To Daphne and Donny. They wouldn't fight over the TV program. Donny would let her watch whatever she wanted. Daphne would turn up the volume for Donny if he was watching some sports game. Certainly Donny liked sports. He'd come over to Frasier's apartment and he and would watch this and that game with their father. But he was getting ahead of himself. They were going on one date. Just one. That didn't mean they were going to get married and have a perfect little life.

"Dr. Crane, are you all right? You look pale."

"I'm fine. Your, uhm, your hour is up I'm afraid. Please schedule an appointment for you and your husband with Mrs. Woodson. We'll try role playing next time." The woman nodded, clutched her purse and left. Niles paid her no attention. Just this once his own problems took precedence over his clients. His fingers strayed over his notepad, kept wandering until he reached the phone. The black surface felt warm under his fingers. Could he just call her? Just as a friend – just to see how she was doing? Niles picked up the phone only to put it back a moment later. The only thing she had asked of him was time. Clearly he could give her that.

It had been almost two days now. Niles hadn't dared ask Frasier or their father whether Daphne had said anything; about him or Donny. His family seemed happy he'd crawled out from under the piano. Topics concerning Maris or Daphne were off the table. They talked about nothing at all: 'The weather is fairly nice, isn't it?' or 'Have you read a good book lately?'. Not that anyone cared about the question or the answer. It was a dangerous and unsteady ground they were walking on.

"Dr. Crane?" Mrs. Woodson's head popped into the room. He looked up at her; he was certain that he was through with his appointments for the day.

"There's a Donny Douglass on the phone. Should I put him through?" Niles swallowed hard. Donny had promised to call as soon as something came up with his divorce case. Unable to speak, he just nodded. He waited for the red light to blink furiously at him. Before he picked up the phone, he took a deep breath. He could get through this. Whatever _this_ was.

"Hello Donny."

"Niles, we need to talk." A voice sounding like business; rushed and with just the right amount of underlying anger. Niles knew that it was over.

On his way to Donny's office, Niles tried to come up with a way of explaining what had happened with Daphne. It was such a complicated matter and just the thought of having to explain it to someone who was essentially a stranger, made Niles feel sick.

"Oh there you are, Niles." Donny only looked up briefly as Niles entered. He shuffled papers around quickly. Maybe it would be easier to talk about it like that; without Donny's scrutinizing eyes on him.

"You said we needed to talk."

"Yeah. Let's make it quick." Niles took as deep a breath as he could muster. There was not enough air in this room.

"I'm sorry, Donny. I didn't know Maris actually-"

"Yeah, you held out on me! You could have told me that's how her family got her fortune. That's gold, Niles. Pure gold." And Niles just listened. Stared as Donny gesticulated wildly and once gave him a pat on the shoulder. Once or twice the question was on his tongue: Didn't Daphne tell you what I did? What I feel for her? Not once did the question leave his mouth, though.

"So, and now you're free. Congrats on your divorce." Donny told him with a grin and shook his hand. "You look like you could need a drink."

"I do actually." Niles answered and his voice felt as frail and weak as his knees.

"I'd love to join you, but I have a date." Donny grinned again and Niles' heart broke. Daphne had accepted Donny's invitation. They would have a wonderful evening and Niles, finally free, was left alone. With his broken heart and a bottle of sherry as his only companions.

"I should tell my family anyway. Have – have fun on your date." Donny winked at him and Niles hoped that he would be able to make it outside before he broke down.

Niles didn't call. He just simply steered towards Frasier's apartment. A part of him was full of giddy excitement; free finally from Maris' grasp! But at what cost had this happiness come? He could have lost Daphne forever. Her eyes, the deep anger inside of him, haunted him still. They flashed in front of him, rendering him blind for the shortest moment. Niles blinked the memories away and got out of his car. He was here for a reason and the reason was a happy one after all. He needed to remember that.

Even after all these years Niles didn't feel comfortable just entering his brother's apartment. He always carried the key with him in case of an emergency, but he never really thought of using it. Instead he knocked. Usually this was the moment when Niles' hands started sweating and his mouth grew dry. Not this time. He was certain that Daphne was out with Donny. The thought hurt him still, but he chose to ignore it. When the door finally opened, he almost fell backwards.

"Daphne," he said breathlessly, "what are you doing here?"

"I live here, Dr. Crane."

"I know that… I mean, what are you doing here _now_?" Daphne continued to stare at him uncertain what to do.

"I'm glad to see you, of course," Niles went on, because he couldn't stand the silence that was beginning to stretch between them, "I just…I thought… I thought you weren't home." Niles watched as her expression changed; it was like watching clouds settling over the sun.

"Well, I'm sorry I haven't made any plans!" He heard the tears in her voice, but before he could say another word, she slammed the door in his face. Niles rattled at the knob. It took him a moment to remember his key. This really was an emergency after all. The apartment was quiet when he entered and Daphne wasn't in the living room. For a moment he wondered whether he had merely imagined it all. He walked past the piano, his perfect hiding space and only stopped in front of Daphne's room. The door was closed.

"Daphne?" He knocked gently. No answer.

"Daphne, I'm so sorry. I just came from Donny and he – he said he was off to a date. I figured," he needed more air to get this out; the pain lay too heavy on his lungs, "after that…talk… I figured you and him. I'm sorry. I was just surprised to see you here." Niles held his ear close to the door, but there was still no answer. Tears started to dwell in his eyes.

"It's not like I didn't want to see you. I always want to see you; it's what gets me through each and every day – seeing you. I guess I can tell you that now since… since you know anyway. And I'm free now, which means I can say these things. You see, I am no longer scared to say these things and – I know you said you needed time. Take all the time you need, Daphne. I'll be here. Not in front of your door like some… strange man. But I'll be here. I'll be as close as you want me to be." He pressed his ear against the door and almost despaired when he couldn't hear anything.

"Thank you, Dr. Crane." The voice didn't come from behind the door. Niles turned around and there was Daphne smiling softly at him.

"You weren't in your room."

"No, I was in the kitchen. I heard you come in and I didn't… I didn't want to hear you out."

"I'm sorry Daphne. I'll leave. Just tell Frasier – no, don't. I'll call him later." He tried to walk past her, but she stopped him by softly gripping his arm.

"I didn't want to hear you out, but I guess I did. I heard everything you just said."

"I'm sorry?" Niles offered miserably and to his greatest surprise, Daphne giggled softly.

"I didn't tell Donny what you told me."

"You didn't tell him that I – you didn't tell him?" She shook her head no.

"You see, I was so surprised when I found out. You know?" Niles nodded slowly. He was beginning to understand it; he'd had time to process his feelings for her for years. For him his feelings felt like coming home. Daphne was the home of his heart. She, however, did not have any of this. Rather, he had dumped all of his emotions on her and buried her under it. He finally saw it in her eyes and understood why all she had asked of him was time.

"I guess I never allowed meself to see it. To see you, I mean. You were married after all."

"I'm not married now. Well, technically I still am, but-" Daphne gently put a finger on his lips and Niles forgot what he wanted to say.

"I wasn't done yet. I was so angry with you and couldn't quite figure out why. Then Donny called and asked me out again. That's when I realized why."

"Why?" Niles asked breathlessly when she didn't continue.

"I wished you'd asked me out," she looked away shyly; her cheeks colored slightly, "I wish I could have seen what you told me. I wish I could have found out about your feelings little by little. I know you think I'm silly." She was fully crying now. This time she didn't step away when Niles came even closer and took her into his arms.

"It's not silly at all, Daphne," he whispered into her hair, "I wish – I wish it could have been like that. I just –" he gently pushed her away so he could look into her eyes. "I was so scared that it would all just come out. That someone else was going to tell you how I feel. I didn't want that to happen, Daphne. I've been a coward for so long."

"You're not a coward." Niles only realized he was crying, too, when Daphne wiped a tear away from his cheek.

"Let me do it right this time."

"What?"

"Daphne, would you go out with me? I've been meaning to ask you for the longest time." Her smile would have been enough of an answer for him.

"I'd love to," she said and kissed his cheek, "Niles."

And that's when he knew it would all work out just fine.

 **THE END**


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